No STDs, No WMDs

Just clicked on an article with the headline "JOHN MCCAIN: 'I HAVE BEEN TESTED.'"

'Cause come on, that's a little bit hilarious. What I found in the article wasn't.

Instead of a ridiculous story about Johnny going to the man-gyno, I found this video by Aaron Hodgins Davis. It is well-done, illuminating, moving, hideous, and absolutely worth watching.

ATTENTION EVERYONE:

Thank you. That will be all.

Another Palin Baby

Securing a name for your baby isn't always as foolproof as you'd think. When my grandmother was born, her father chose the name Ellen for her, after his twin sister. The priest wasn't listening too carefully, and christened her Helen for all eternity. Coco Chanel lucked out; her lovely surname was a mistake--someone forgot the Z in Chaznel and changed her family name forever.

But at least no fraud was involved there. Yesterday, in Tennessee, new father Mark Ciptak depended on drugs and trickery to name his daughter. A McCain supporter, the dad hoped to name a newborn son after the Republican candidate. When a little girl popped out, the mother was relieved and eager to name her Eva Grace, their agreed-upon moniker. But dang those birthing drugs! After momma fell asleep, Senor Sneak rolled into the nursery and completed the paperwork, naming his daughter . . .

Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak.

"Nailin' Paylin"

The first official Palin porn has arrived, sure to delight all those Joe Six-Packs out there! Now that's American. It's being produced by Hustler (ooh, legit!) and will feature fancy American flag pins, big guns, and, are those . . . "54Ds"?

Crazy Christian

Just read this insanity on W.'s imdb page: "Christian Bale was initially cast as George W. Bush, and even underwent weeks of prosthetics tests before filming began. However, he withdrew from the production at the last minute."

Who would have thought? In a million years, I'd never guess that Bush and Batman could be one and the same!

Levi Speaks!

Though he was advised by the 'Publicans to avoid the press, our rebel hottie redneck decided to go on ahead and tell some reporters what he thinks about life. Aw, he drives a red pickup! Aw, he's having a boy! Aw, he kinda hearts Barack! Aw, he has a BlackBerry like me!

Not aw: He hates animals. He's dropped out of school and now works in the oil fields of Alaska. Which is really sad. The Palins, who bring in about a mil a year, would have no trouble supporting a baby for the 6 months between it's birth and Levi's graduation. They couldn't help out for awhile he gets his high school diploma?

Maybe that's why he's not voting McCain/Palin in November . . . and not because he didn't register to vote in time!

If You Are From Albany, Do Not Be Scared!

Albany, the capital of New York but apparently a little bit ghetto, printed a number of absentee ballots listing the Democratic candidate as "Barack Osama."

Are they for real? Is the state copyeditorless? Is this more ballot-tampering? Cause that is so Bush Administration.

Flair of the Week!

My fave new Facebook flair. Thanks Crystal!

Sarah "Cs & Ds" Palin!

Here is what many believe is Sarah Palin's actual high school report card. It's very likely true . . . prob not a whole bunch of Sarah Heaths in Wasilla, Alaska, and grades she got at age 18 aren't likely to be too damaging, and therefore not worth the effort of fabricating a fake. After all, look at Bush! Please note that her lowest grade, a nasty D, is in foreign language! I don't understand this . . . she has so much foreign policy experience. I mean, she can see Russia from her house!

But I had to publish, because . . . I am conceited, and this r. card is from the week I was born! What what! (Click to make those Cs bigger!)

The Sad Truth

Let me be the first to admit, I feel bad for Sarah Palin. On Monday I got my eyebrows done, and it had been so long, I thought they were going to charge me double to clean up that mess. I am also obsessed with skincare. I wish I had realized this sooner and paid attention in science classes, become a dermatologist, and made mad money, but alas, I did not. Now my dermatological thoughts remain, essentially, hoping people don't look to closely when my skin is in a busted condition.

Hence my Palin pity. But therein lies the ultimate truth. Palin's skin is not in a horrible condition, her eyebrows don't have too many strays . . .in short, she looks normal.

Sarah Palin is 44 years old. She is (supposedly) a politician, not a country singer or Oscar-winning actress. She posed for Newsweek, not Glamour. There is no reason for her to look like a 22-year-old rising ingenue. Ingenues don't fatally wound animals for fun.

Yes, the photo is unflattering. But Palin and her supporters (watch this fight here) need to accept that that is what she actually looks like. And if Carrie Bradshaw could survive it, I think Sarah Six-Pack can too.

Guess We're NOT Friends

Earlier today, Senor McCain gave a speech meant for 38 years ago. Listen for what he says in place of "My fellow Americans" near the end.

Minus one point for Mickey for showing his obvious senility. Plus one point for Sarah for almost revealing her shock--love the slight eye-widening and look-away!

Peace Out Tina Fey?

I mean, Alec Baldwin, who fears the Repubs like any IHB (intelligent human being), is getting pretty good at the Palin wink! It turns out imitation is the sincerest form of "Go the fuck back to where you came from."

Listen for, "I didn't realize she was hot until you did the impression."

More Paris, Version Hilar.0

Hard at work on the campaign trail, Fake Candidate Paris Hilton, accidentally nominated by Unfortunately Real Candidate John McCain, gives us a little insight via FunnyOrDie.com. Best parts: the eloquent use of fo-po and Martin Sheen's "Loves it!"

Donkey Cuffs and Baby Hugs

Wow, Obama is totally killing with the youth vote. Too bad these little fools can't cast those votes for about 17 years.

Check out some 'Bama babies, here at Yes We Can (Hold Babies). While the pandering for donations for the blog is a little craze, the concept is as incred as Biden's cuff links.

We Heart This Book

While busting through the maze that is Borders at Columbus Circle last night, something made me stop short. Then laugh my ass off. Then quickly slink away, as I was surrounded by strangers, and uppity ones on the Upper West Side at that.

The reason for my distraction/inspiration? Third Term: Why George W. Bush (Hearts) John McCain. The book was released in in September, and features some of the best back-cover art I've seen in awhile: Everyone's favorite choking-on-a-pretzel-while-watching-football good-ol'-boy President embracing the mortgage-buying, "my friends"-chanting, former "maverick" again and again. So sweet! But my favorite part is the fact that McCain can rest his head so perfectly on Bushie's shoulder, like they're on a date in a '60s TV show.

James Carville says: "If you're one of the 20 percent of Americans who love George W. Bush, you'll love John McCain. If you're one of the 80 percent of Americans who don't love President Bush, you'll love this book."

Angels in America

Two of the most beautiful photographs to come out of a political election in decades.

The way these children, unaware of politics and going solely on instinct, react to Barack Obama should be considered a crucial barometer for how we measure a future leader.

Send This Commenter Some Flowers

Just read an average, run-of-the-mill campaign story about Sarah Palin visiting Nebraska to try and drum up some voters, which shouldn't be too hard in a red state. Piece was fine, not too exciting, etc. But I liked the comment response.

The story had 517, and nearly every single one of them skewed blue. Here's a sampling:

"My son, a 6th grader, was laughing when he listened to Sarah Palin's answer about the newspaper."

"The McCain/Palin events are starting to look and sound more and more like Klan rallies. All McCain needs is a white sheet and a pointy hat. Palin already has a pointy hat—a dunce cap that is." (Okay, this one is ridic but hilar.)

"Does anyone imagine a Sarah Palin would have actually earned the nomination of the Republican Party had she run with the rest of the pack? How John McCain could have risked the security of America and the world with such a brazen and reckless mind as hers is bewildering and beyond comprehension."

"Three days of negative attack on Obama and the polls are going up for him. What does moosemama have to say about that?"

"John McCain is behaving like a trigger happy soldier."

"I don't know why so many are criticizing Sarah Palin. After all, this chick has helped the OBAMA ticket pretty well. Send the lady some flowers!"

"I would be willing to bet the farm McSame didn't know Palin had a pregnant teenage daughter or son who was constantly in trouble . . . The reason we are not reading about Biden in the paper is because he was thoroughly vetted. All we have is that he used someone elses words once and didn't footnote it. That is not interesting enough to read in the National Enquirer."

"Too bad McCain didn't chose a woman with a measurable IQ."

"Vote for the guy with one house."

"You lost this election McBush and that country bumpkin sidekick of yours. Even I don't sound like that and I'm from Texas."

A Pitbull In (Permanant) Lipstick

Somehow I missed this incred story last week. Apparently, it's possible that Sarah has engaged in a little Mikey J.-esque plastic surgery. I mean, who cares if Biden got Botox? Everyone gets Botox, and I will for sure be on that boat in 20 years.

But Pale-Pale opted for something a little different: TATTOOED-ON LIPLINER.

Amazing! The Huffington Post gathered some pics spanning at least three years, in which she wears the same peachy-cognac shade of liner. How '90s! They also took a poll--47% of the respondents were convinced by the photos.

Also, the initial tip came from Wasilla! How refreshing--even if it's not true, at least peeps up there think she's ridic too! And, not to be outdone, McCain has hired the same makeup artist as Clay Aiken! Hope he doesn't catch tolerance or a belief in equality from those brushes!

"She Blew Me Off" Is The Technical Term

A little Tina Fey, a little Palin-bashing . . . all you need on a Sunday morning. Here, Gwen Ifill and others watch some SNL on Meet the Press and talk about Thursday's debate, in which, Ifill says, Palin "more than ignored her" and the rules of a debate. Essentially, she says, Joe Biden decided he was going to debate John McCain, and Sarah Palin decided to just give a speech.

But at least Joe answered the questions! David Gregory says Palin's strategy was to be rhetorical and not substantive. Gwen also mentions how transparent Palin was, actually telling the audience that she wasn't going to debate. She's undoubtedly trying to live up to her favorite M-word here, but please, let's pray that Americans know that in the face of an international crisis--or a banking crisis like the one we're suffereing from now!--you can't just give a 9/11 speech and walk off the stage and consider yourself victorious.

And Palin Was Her Name-O

Less than four hours 'til the Sarah Spectacular! So everybody, spray your hair up, pick up some booze so that you can stand it, and print out your Palin Bingo cards!

It's gonna be a wild night.

Head of Skate

Matt Damon said the whole Sarah sitch is "like a really bad Disney movie. The hockey mom from Alaska . . . is the president."

The fools at CollegeHumor decided to film a trailer for said Disney movie.

Ergo, Head of Skate.

It's almost not even funny cause it's so close to the truth.

Uniquely Unqualified

Here's today's roundup of interviews in which Sarah Palin shows the world it's gonna be scary of her ticket is elected. I have newfound respect for Katie Couric. She's very skilled at handling Palin, always sweet, but never lets her get away from the question--which generally translates into reminding Sarah that viewers are aware of the fact that she is talking and talking and never answering. In this clip, Palin can't recall the name of a single periodical she reads, and eventually tells Couric she reads "all of them."

You heard it here, ladies and gentlemen: Sarah Palin reads every magazine, newspaper, and website ON EARTH.

Later, James Carville, on AC360, raises the question of whether or not Palin is even interested in national issues. It's a simple and illuminating question: If Palin had the ability to look within, would she even want to leave her position in Alaska? Or would she really rather just be governor? Truthfully, we almost never hear about Illinois, Arizona, or Delaware.

Does Plain think she's running for Alaskan Ambassador to the Continental U.S.?

Idealogical Kool-Aid Drinker or Corrupt Toad?

Which one are you? In this clip, Bill O'Reilly freaks out, literally screaming about the bailout and calling out Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. This fool is heated. But don't point a finger at him, or he'll "break it off."