Thursday, October 23
No STDs, No WMDs
'Cause come on, that's a little bit hilarious. What I found in the article wasn't.
Instead of a ridiculous story about Johnny going to the man-gyno, I found this video by Aaron Hodgins Davis. It is well-done, illuminating, moving, hideous, and absolutely worth watching.
Thursday, October 16
Another Palin Baby
But at least no fraud was involved there. Yesterday, in Tennessee, new father Mark Ciptak depended on drugs and trickery to name his daughter. A McCain supporter, the dad hoped to name a newborn son after the Republican candidate. When a little girl popped out, the mother was relieved and eager to name her Eva Grace, their agreed-upon moniker. But dang those birthing drugs! After momma fell asleep, Senor Sneak rolled into the nursery and completed the paperwork, naming his daughter . . .
Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak.
Tuesday, October 14
"Nailin' Paylin"
Monday, October 13
Crazy Christian
Who would have thought? In a million years, I'd never guess that Bush and Batman could be one and the same!
Levi Speaks!
Not aw: He hates animals. He's dropped out of school and now works in the oil fields of Alaska. Which is really sad. The Palins, who bring in about a mil a year, would have no trouble supporting a baby for the 6 months between it's birth and Levi's graduation. They couldn't help out for awhile he gets his high school diploma?
Maybe that's why he's not voting McCain/Palin in November . . . and not because he didn't register to vote in time!
Saturday, October 11
If You Are From Albany, Do Not Be Scared!
Friday, October 10
Thursday, October 9
Sarah "Cs & Ds" Palin!
Here is what many believe is Sarah Palin's actual high school report card. It's very likely true . . . prob not a whole bunch of Sarah Heaths in Wasilla, Alaska, and grades she got at age 18 aren't likely to be too damaging, and therefore not worth the effort of fabricating a fake. After all, look at Bush! Please note that her lowest grade, a nasty D, is in foreign language! I don't understand this . . . she has so much foreign policy experience. I mean, she can see Russia from her house!
But I had to publish, because . . . I am conceited, and this r. card is from the week I was born! What what! (Click to make those Cs bigger!)
The Sad Truth
Let me be the first to admit, I feel bad for Sarah Palin. On Monday I got my eyebrows done, and it had been so long, I thought they were going to charge me double to clean up that mess. I am also obsessed with skincare. I wish I had realized this sooner and paid attention in science classes, become a dermatologist, and made mad money, but alas, I did not. Now my dermatological thoughts remain, essentially, hoping people don't look to closely when my skin is in a busted condition.
Hence my Palin pity. But therein lies the ultimate truth. Palin's skin is not in a horrible condition, her eyebrows don't have too many strays . . .in short, she looks normal.
Sarah Palin is 44 years old. She is (supposedly) a politician, not a country singer or Oscar-winning actress. She posed for Newsweek, not Glamour. There is no reason for her to look like a 22-year-old rising ingenue. Ingenues don't fatally wound animals for fun.
Yes, the photo is unflattering. But Palin and her supporters (watch this fight here) need to accept that that is what she actually looks like. And if Carrie Bradshaw could survive it, I think Sarah Six-Pack can too.
Wednesday, October 8
Guess We're NOT Friends
Minus one point for Mickey for showing his obvious senility. Plus one point for Sarah for almost revealing her shock--love the slight eye-widening and look-away!
Peace Out Tina Fey?
Listen for, "I didn't realize she was hot until you did the impression."
More Paris, Version Hilar.0
Donkey Cuffs and Baby Hugs
Check out some 'Bama babies, here at Yes We Can (Hold Babies). While the pandering for donations for the blog is a little craze, the concept is as incred as Biden's cuff links.
We Heart This Book
The reason for my distraction/inspiration? Third Term: Why George W. Bush (Hearts) John McCain. The book was released in in September, and features some of the best back-cover art I've seen in awhile: Everyone's favorite choking-on-a-pretzel-while-watching-football good-ol'-boy President embracing the mortgage-buying, "my friends"-chanting, former "maverick" again and again. So sweet! But my favorite part is the fact that McCain can rest his head so perfectly on Bushie's shoulder, like they're on a date in a '60s TV show.
James Carville says: "If you're one of the 20 percent of Americans who love George W. Bush, you'll love John McCain. If you're one of the 80 percent of Americans who don't love President Bush, you'll love this book."
Angels in America
Tuesday, October 7
Send This Commenter Some Flowers
The story had 517, and nearly every single one of them skewed blue. Here's a sampling:
"My son, a 6th grader, was laughing when he listened to Sarah Palin's answer about the newspaper."
"The McCain/Palin events are starting to look and sound more and more like Klan rallies. All McCain needs is a white sheet and a pointy hat. Palin already has a pointy hat—a dunce cap that is." (Okay, this one is ridic but hilar.)
"Does anyone imagine a Sarah Palin would have actually earned the nomination of the Republican Party had she run with the rest of the pack? How John McCain could have risked the security of America and the world with such a brazen and reckless mind as hers is bewildering and beyond comprehension."
"Three days of negative attack on Obama and the polls are going up for him. What does moosemama have to say about that?"
"John McCain is behaving like a trigger happy soldier."
"I don't know why so many are criticizing Sarah Palin. After all, this chick has helped the OBAMA ticket pretty well. Send the lady some flowers!"
"I would be willing to bet the farm McSame didn't know Palin had a pregnant teenage daughter or son who was constantly in trouble . . . The reason we are not reading about Biden in the paper is because he was thoroughly vetted. All we have is that he used someone elses words once and didn't footnote it. That is not interesting enough to read in the National Enquirer."
"Too bad McCain didn't chose a woman with a measurable IQ."
"Vote for the guy with one house."
"You lost this election McBush and that country bumpkin sidekick of yours. Even I don't sound like that and I'm from Texas."
Monday, October 6
A Pitbull In (Permanant) Lipstick
But Pale-Pale opted for something a little different: TATTOOED-ON LIPLINER.
Amazing! The Huffington Post gathered some pics spanning at least three years, in which she wears the same peachy-cognac shade of liner. How '90s! They also took a poll--47% of the respondents were convinced by the photos.
Also, the initial tip came from Wasilla! How refreshing--even if it's not true, at least peeps up there think she's ridic too! And, not to be outdone, McCain has hired the same makeup artist as Clay Aiken! Hope he doesn't catch tolerance or a belief in equality from those brushes!
"She Blew Me Off" Is The Technical Term
But at least Joe answered the questions! David Gregory says Palin's strategy was to be rhetorical and not substantive. Gwen also mentions how transparent Palin was, actually telling the audience that she wasn't going to debate. She's undoubtedly trying to live up to her favorite M-word here, but please, let's pray that Americans know that in the face of an international crisis--or a banking crisis like the one we're suffereing from now!--you can't just give a 9/11 speech and walk off the stage and consider yourself victorious.
Thursday, October 2
And Palin Was Her Name-O
It's gonna be a wild night.
Wednesday, October 1
Head of Skate
The fools at CollegeHumor decided to film a trailer for said Disney movie.
Ergo, Head of Skate.
It's almost not even funny cause it's so close to the truth.
Uniquely Unqualified
You heard it here, ladies and gentlemen: Sarah Palin reads every magazine, newspaper, and website ON EARTH.
Later, James Carville, on AC360, raises the question of whether or not Palin is even interested in national issues. It's a simple and illuminating question: If Palin had the ability to look within, would she even want to leave her position in Alaska? Or would she really rather just be governor? Truthfully, we almost never hear about Illinois, Arizona, or Delaware.
Does Plain think she's running for Alaskan Ambassador to the Continental U.S.?
Idealogical Kool-Aid Drinker or Corrupt Toad?
Which one are you? In this clip, Bill O'Reilly freaks out, literally screaming about the bailout and calling out Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. This fool is heated. But don't point a finger at him, or he'll "break it off."
Tuesday, September 30
Bale vs. the Bailout
Here's a little Dark Knight/State of the Union action for you. Love it!
Image: Bruce Wayne worries about the plummeting DJIA and what it means for shareholders.
Separation of Church, State, and Witchcraft
Although, hell, maybe it worked. Remember, in 2005, Sarah held no government position whatsoever. She lost a run for lieutenant governor in 2002, the year in which she ended her stint as small-town mayor. She then chaired the Alaska Oil and Gas Commission for a couple years, then God knows what she did until becoming governor in December 2006.
Or maybe God doesn't wanna know, if it was hunting witches.
Monday, September 29
No Foriegn Policy Experience, But She Does Speak . . . "Gibberish"
A coworker, fortunate enough to be released from work at 3:00, just IMed me from home and said that he "just listened to Fareed Zakaria on CNN just really sum it all up about Palin." While the video link is not up yet, there is lots from Zakaria from this past weekend, including his Newsweek commentary "Palin is Ready? Please," and this Q&A on the piece.
Though a fan of McCain's, Zakaria bluntly admits that Palin "has simply never thought about these subjects before and is dangerously ignorant and unprepared," answered Katie Couric in "gibberish," and "has never spent a day thinking about any important national or international issue."
Our country just ran out of money. And okay, while I exaggerate a bit (case in point) it is absurd, especially now, that Zakaria isn't.
UPDATE: Here's the clip, Zakaria with Wolf Blitzer. I like how he essentially says any financial success Palin's given Alaska is from spreading out money earned by digging holes.
Friday, September 26
This Is What We're Risking
Conservatives Turn Intelligent
This has become evident by an increase in op-eds written by conservatives this week. It's exactly what we need to be seeing: People going beyond party lines, unafraid of being called "flip-floppers," realizing that we are in a dire situation and it's critical to make the right choice in November, no matter how uncharacteristic it may feel. This is not your average election, and we as a people need to look beyond black and white, red and blue.
Here are two enlightening pieces, one by former proclaimed Palin supporter and conservative columnist Kathleen Parker, who, after seeing Palin's recent TV appearances, has enlisted her intelligence and openmindedness to allow her to retract her support.
The other is from Wick Allison, lifelong conservative and editor in chief of D Magazine. Yes, the D is for Dallas, and yes, that is in Texas. But he begins by saying "Barack Obama strikes a chord with me like no political figure since Ronald Reagan. To explain why, I need to explain why I am a conservative and what it means to me."
Somehow, in the delusional political climate of the last decade, Americans were taught that voting for or agreeing with one thing and later changing your mind is a bad thing.
It is never wrong to critically reconsider something and decide what you think is right. Circumstances change; and the ability to recognize that and take action for what you believe in is far more important than stubborn, detrimental commitment.
Thursday, September 25
McCain Can't Multi-Task
Letterman, a longtime TV personality and essentially, broadcast journalist, abandoned the entertainer/non-biased interview side of things and told audiences what he really thought: That he was "more than a little disappointed by this behavior," that it was scary that McCain did not trust Sarah Palin to handle the campaign in his absence, and that it was frightening to think that McCain could not handle two things at once, giving the impression that he could just quit on obligations while serving as president.
McCain called Letterman personally, saying that he was racing to the airport and "going to go save the country." The senator, unaware that most TV studios have satellite TVs where employees can watch other network programs being filmed, was seen only a few minutes later getting his makeup done on the set of the Evening News with Katie Couric, and not "racing" to D.C. at all.
Guest Keith Olbermann summed it up bluntly: "I think he dissed you." I think he disrespected all of us.
Thursday, September 18
Cybersexy!
Track: track_44@hotmail.com
Bristol: bristol_palin@hotmail.com
Tell her to send us Levi's! Full story about the Palin email leak, complete with screenshots, here.
Odds of John McCain (Rest In) Peacing Out
In reality, the odds are closer to one in six. This piece, published on Portfolio.com this week, used the same math insurance companies apply to determine premiums. Which means it is pretty dependable, accurate, and widely accepted. Here are a few horrifying comparisons:
"To put the question into a more helpful context, let's look at everyday events that have about the same odds as soon swearing in President Palin:The entire piece is definitely worth reading. Some of the things less likely than a President Palin are shocking.
-On your next try, pulling a red M&M out of the bag.
-That your birthday falls on a Wednesday.
-That, during a full inning of a Major League Baseball game, one of the teams hits a home run.
-That the next car you see will be black."
Friday, September 12
For All You HP Fans Out There . . .
Thursday, September 11
30-Minute McCain
"Live From New York . . ."
But producer Lorne Michaels is no dummy (he must be voting blue!)—it looks like he indeed intends to cash in on the frequent comparisons of Sarah Palin to Tina Fey. Though truly, Sarah is not as pretty as Tina, and I would say that even if she did believe in pterodactyls.
When asked outright if Tina would return to the show to play Alaska's governor, Lorne responded with, "There are discussions. They are ongoing." Perez Hilton suggests Amy Poehler play Bristol.
To which I say, bring back Jimmy Fallon! Levi, Levi, Levi!
Sarah Hearts (Certain Hot, Famous) Democrats?
Naturally, it didn't take long for someone to add a little something to Matt Damon's interview in which he says that he reaaaaally needs to know whether Sarah thought the dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago and characterizes her a "really bad Disney movie."
God I love those democratic Masshole Good Willing Hunting actors and cannot wait until Ben Affleck is a senator representing my beloved home state.
Here's the original interview, introduced to me by my friend Evie, in which Matt brings up some integral points that I wish people in red and swing states would finally begin to consider, especially on a day like today, when we are reminded of what can happen if we don't have a strong leader.
And here's the fucking follow-up.
Wednesday, September 10
Tuesday, September 9
Denim Shirt+Rifle+Aquanet=White House?
Perhaps the most disturbing thing is that there's no need for it to be . . . Sarah seems to think a hobby like this makes her somehow more qualified to lead a country at war.
Article here.
Dress Like Me
MoveOn.org agrees. Actually, they thought of this awhile ago and have been raising money for a youth-registration program. Basically, you don't need to give much and you actually get something, and from American Apparel, who takes much of my money anyway. Their message below.
Last week, more than 90,000 MoveOn members chipped in more than a million dollars to launch our youth-registration program—and each got a cool Obama shirt in the process.
The program is off to a great start. We've already opened offices in a dozen states, and canvassers are hitting the pavement and signing up tons of young Obama voters every day.
But right now, we don't have enough money to keep these canvassers going full-speed for the next 3-4 weeks until the voter-registration deadlines hit.
We've been giving out Obama T-shirts along with each donation of at least $12. But we need more resources—fast—to keep this program going. So we're offering you a special deal: If you contribute just $8 TODAY, we'll send you an Obama shirt free.
Click here to chip in and get your shirt:
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=25624&id=13759-10459839- 0u05MWx&t=4 The race is tightening amongst registered voters—new polls even show it tilting towards the McCain/Palin ticket for the first time.
The key to Obama winning this fall is expanding that list of registered voters. That's the work these canvassers are doing: registering new voters to tip the balance in the states where it matters most.
And they'll be out there wearing the same T-shirts you'll be receiving. These American Apparel shirts are high-quality, American-made, and union-printed—and they're a great way to make a difference.
Also, I promise I am not encouraging others to spend their money as a way to gain good karma without spending my own. I bought one too!
Polar Bears Turn Green
I'm just saying.
Monday, September 8
John Hates Chelsea/Arianna Hearts Alec
"John McCain is, statistically, more likely to die or suffer some catastrophic illness during his first term than any other man that has sought the office. Who would succeed him? George Bush would succeed him. Someone with no record. No experience. Only question marks."Also love that he concludes with a random postscript apologizing for some shit-talking about Scrubs and My Name is Earl. Who knows?
I'd also urge people to remember this: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." John McCain may also be the only presidential candidate who's ever been classless enough to publicly call an opponent's daughter "ugly." Not only is attacking a teen girl about her looks the easiest and meanest insult, McCain wasn't even professional enough to use a euphemism. Steven Leser reminds us here.
Rock It Out, Van Palin
Not lies. Baby Trig's full name is Trig Paxson Van Palin, as reported here in this totally non-ironic news story from Alaska's NBC news affiliate.
Trig has the same birthday as Suri Cruise, another mysterious little kid thing with a weird name association (it's been speculated that Suri is named for Surrey, England, which supposedly has strong Scientology ties).
"Rush Limbaugh In A Skirt"
What I liked about Lisa in the CNN segment is that she put things into perspective, reminding viewers of the facts that are getting lost in the morning-after post-Palin-speech haze. Example:
"We're not talking about the issues, like the fact that she doesn't believe in global warming or sex ed, we're talking about her hair, her clothes her makeup, and the fact that some men find her sexy."Lisa also reasonably compares Palin with another lady a certain politico found sexy, remembering, "It reminds me of Monica Lewinsky's lipstick and how after her Barbara Walters interview everybody wanted to know what shade that was."
Palin herself might do well to take note of these things: After all, her state more than any other is feeling the effects of this "non-manmade" global warming situation, is it not?
Help!
Friday, September 5
T-Minus 59
We have 60 days 'til we find out what happens next.
It appears I'm vaguely obsessed with this; or rather, with the absurdity of what comes out under a deadline like this. So after incessantly interrupting my coworkers to tell them Bristol's baby daddy is a hottie and more people watched Obama than watched some eps of American Idol, I thought I'd just put it all here, where there's a more democratic color scheme.
Read, admire Levi, and think about voting for everyone's favorite long-legged mac daddy.